“THIS PIZZA COULDN’T HAVE BEEN MADE WITHOUT HELP FROM STELLA, EDNA, ABIGAIL, ESTELLE AND NANCY.”

Truer words have never been said. At least as far as Dominos Pizza goes, but to be fair they’ve never taken their words all too seriously.

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Deep down I honestly appreciate the adorable cartoon cows that adorn the tops of Domino’s well thought out pizza boxes. Yet, at the same time I can’t help but fight the urge to repeatedly punch myself in the face and rub sweet globs of hot gluten right in my eyeballs every time I see one. Now that’s a powerful pizza box.

But why? Why must you hate! 

It’s not that I don’t appreciate a good melty blob of 100% real mozarella so tasty that I’ll forget pizza occasionally has other toppings. It’s just that this particular box contained a large Double Sausage carryout special. I can only hope these particular sausages chunks that topped my pizza were made with Edna, Abigail, and Nancy. But what guarantee do I really have!? I don’t now why, but based off the illustrations they just look like the the most delicious cows from this star-studded team. For all I know though, their names could have been Norman, Hb24a, or something even more traditional like Bessie. God damnit, I bet Bessie is like super tasty. I digress…

I really shouldn’t be giving Dominos a hard time, because if they can supply enough cheese to their entire franchise from just five cows, then holy shit they could literally be the most efficient dairy producer on the entire planet. These 5 cows could solve world hunger. If that’s the case, then I better start sticking to the spinach and mushroom.

 

 

 

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I found a sample blank pennant the other day and made a quick spray paint stencil to celebrate the greatness that is sport. Sports team memorabilia, clothing, and decorations are all over the place, so I thought I’d try and make something super generic with just type.

And if I would have taped it better, it might not of turned out half bad.

 

go_sports!

 

 

The elevator in the building I work at was broken again, and people weren’t too thrilled about it. Especially the delivery man who had to haul several packages up the stairs for a few days. I can understand the passive aggressiveness he reflected in his note as our building may be charming, yet far from accommodating in many more ways than one. 

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The weird thing about this story for me is that a co-worker and myself happen to be the ones on the elevator when it broke. Luckily we didn’t plummet to a horrible death, but rather noticed that the mechanism that opens the doors had popped off the track, so it was stuck in limbo on the first floor. We pried the doors open with brute strength and laughed because we thought for a second we might have been trapped.

Being relatively responsible people, we then tried to be the nice polite guys and explain to all the people trying to rush into the elevator that it was suddenly broke and wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Most people seemed to take the attitude that we were the assholes who broke it. We technically were, but all we really did was push a button.

“Hi there. Yeah, sorry. Looks like the elevator is broke,” we told a lovely elderly woman who had a dolly loaded with an empty cardboard box.

“What do you mean it’s broken? It worked the last time I used it,” she scowled at us before scampering toward the stairs.

No shit lady. It literally just broke. Remember us? We were the same two guys who held the door for you when you exited the elevator about two minutes ago with that box loaded full of paper. In fact, you were the very last rider on this fine elevator and maybe should be thinking about how lucky you are to catch the last one down. We swallowed our pride, hid our laughter, and went searching for the building manager to take over the first floor duties. While we waited for him several more people came by, some giving us the stink eye and grabbing for their phones as if that was going to magically fix the thing. The manager showed up and grabbed for his phone to actually figure out how to fix this thing.

We get to the second floor and find a water delivery guy posted up in front of the elevator doors looking very annoyed. There’s no plumbing in most of the studios, so there’s a lot of 5-gallon jugs being hauled around the building almost everyday. He had likely been waiting there this entire time and since we were still some of the only people who knew what happened we had to tell him what was going on. He looked closer to our age, so we tried a more casual bro approach to breaking the bad news.

“Ahhh man, sorry. The elevators broken. The door won’t close, so it can’t go anywhere. Sucks dude.” 

“No it’s not. I was on it like five minutes ago,” he snapped back.

Now this guy thinks we’re fucking with him too? Who are these people? We were a little startled by his aggressiveness, so we even offered to help him haul the large water jugs to his truck, but he just strutted off to find the building manager himself to tell him what he already knew.

To make things even that much weirder, some elevator maintenance guys were actually on-site, but they were there fixing the massive freight elevator that has been broken since the new year. People start looking at these guys like “Hey! do your job! We’re trying to get places over here!” when it was a total coincidence that they were even there in the first place. These guys weren’t unapproachable, but they looked like they could have been heavyweight WWF tag team champions in the 1990’s, and suddenly there’s uptight Portlanders barking orders at them for something they actually had nothing to do with. Guilty by association I suppose.

Not sure if there’s a moral to this story, I just really liked seeing FedEx’s passive aggressive note that night after we were the one’s who saw this 5 minute chain reaction begin. In case of emergency, always take the stairs.

 

 

 

But I have to call this out because after reading this several times in the classified section I’ve determined that it’s some of the stupidest shit I’ve ever seen printed in a classified section. And I’d like to think that I’ve been to some pretty obscure parts of the internet in my day.

 

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This print ad is from our good friends at McMenamins, a Northwest staple well-known for their mediocre food, decent beer, consistently shitty service, but totally awesome environments.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had the pleasure of making the rounds at several McMenamins locations around Oregon, and I’ve always had a good time. I’ll continue to hit them up if and when the moment is right, but I’ve passed the point of lying to myself about the quality of their food and flagship beers. Their overall brand and most pub locations will always be something unique to experience. There’s plenty of reasons to like them, but then you see things like this it raises some strange flags and the need to make fun of them on a blog.

Like this whack ass attempt at sounding cool with awkward shorthand and abbreviated words that looks as if it was written by a teenager strung out on adderall while texting and trying to sound like totes professional about it and stuff. And I quote….

“Looking for an exciting, fun working environment?

McMenamins is now hiring at multiple locations, multiple positions available and range from entry level to management. We have both seasonal and long term opportunities. Qualified apps must have an open and flex sched, including, days, eves, wknds and holidays. We are looking for applicants who enjoy working in a busy customer service-oriented enviro. We offer opps for advancement and excellent benefits for eligible employees, including med, chiro, dental and so much more! Please apply online 24/7 at www.mcmenamins.com or pick up a paper app at any McMenamins location. Mail to 430 N. Killingsworth, Portland OR 97217 or fax: 503-221-8749. Call 503-952-0598 for info on other ways to apply. Please no phone calls or emails to individual locs! E.O.E.”

I know having a flex sched and chiro is a pretty tempting offer, but I’m also not convinced that communicating like some kind of lunatic is a very sound strategy for attracting people to fill your inevitably high employee turnover rate. And yes, if you’re wondering I applied.

 

 

 

Sometimes they make me dress up in a monkey suit for work. The personal sacrifices I make for a project are straight bananas sometimes. 

 

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This is actually one of about 1,200 photos snapped during a shoot for a video game art rock and roll apparel company. The final pics will be going on their new site + probably a look book of some sort. The idea behind the gorilla suit was to have me wandering in the background and randomly interacting with the models in certain shots.

I bought this gorilla suit in the 6th grade for $100. Definitely one of my better investments of all time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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