Category: science

 

I can generally try things at least once with an open mind, but I attempt to have a shred of integrity when it comes to things such as alcohol. Tonight however is not one of those nights. I will be drinking this abomination of a libation and yes… I am sober.

joose_can_web

Over the years I have staunchly refused to support these 24oz alcopops, but since I procured this can through a misguided soul who left it in our driveway I can indulge while keeping my dignity intact (theoretically). I have battled its ancestors Sparks and Tilt in my younger days, but this is uncharted territory for me.

In the name of science I have decided to apply the “Power Hour” theorem for this experiment. For those unfamiliar with the term it typically involves drinking 1 shot glass of beer every single minute on the minute for an entire hour. A slow and steady way to drink 7+ beers in an hour.

joose_screenshot

In my case I will be taking one shot of this delectable Joose Wild Raspberry Iced Tea  and writing notes on the experience in-between each drink. 

SHOT 1
Holy shit this stuff is gross. I planned on my sweet tooth to get me through this, but I didn’t imagine that it would actually taste like hot garbage dipped in sugar sauce.

SHOT 2
Slightly better, but I already have confirmation that I’ve made a terrible mistake.

SHOT 3
Back to nasty. I wish I had chilled the can a little bit more. Hindsight is a cruel mistress.

SHOT 4
It shouldn’t come as a surprise, but this stuff is basically just a terrible mixed drink. Like a roller coaster of poorly blended tea and liquor, except they don’t blend as much as sloppily dance around each other.

SHOT 5
These minutes are coming way too fast now.

SHOT 6
I can feel a slight buzz kicking in. I welcome the feeling at this point.

SHOT 7
These tastings all seem different. I imagine if you were to ring out a bar rag into a shot glass it would taste on par with this “Premium Malt Beverage With Natural Flavors And Caramel Color.”

SHOT 8
At least by this point I’ve proven my hypothesis. This drink shouldn’t exist.

SHOT 9
A thick buzz is definitely creeping in now. Starting to get sweaty too.

SHOT 10
Had to use my water for a chaser after that one. I wish this stuff actually tasted like raspberries, and not junk funk.

joose_shot_web

SHOT 11
That one made me gag slightly. At least the can is getting lighter.

SHOT 12
Starting to get a little obsessive compulsive. Thinking about changing my music and wondering what real beer we have in the fridge right now.

SHOT 13
Chugging this stuff has to be its lifeblood. This repeated gulp approach cannot be part of their market research. That must have been a fun focus group to conduct.

SHOT 14
The buzz is in full effect, but it’s not very enjoyable. It’s kind of like eating terrible food when you’re really hungry. Your mind is complacent, but your body hates you at the same time.

SHOT 15
Hitting the home stretch and thank god. I can’t imagine driving two cans of this stuff into me.

SHOT 16
Confused on my math, because I thought that one should have been the last one. Meanwhile the can mocks me.

SHOT 17
Just realized this stuff isn’t even carbonated. That probably would have helped. A lot.

SHOT 18
This can won’t end.

SHOT 19
Wowza, I really messed the math up or I just can’t pour consistently. Looks like one more to go. It will be a sad sad victory.

SHOT 20 
Done.

Total Time:
22 minutes

Well… I suppose that that was interesting. I feel in-between that awkward buzz you get after having a couple drinks during lunch and when you eat a ton of candy on an empty stomach while dehydrated. The main difference is probably that instead of having a couple good beers with food I methodically drank a can of “JOOSE” and tried to pound out my thoughts in-between the doses of shitty booze. This is probably how wine critics operate.

I’m beginning to sweat more and more even though I have a fan blowing directly on me. A headache is setting in and I’ve already glugged down nearly an entire water bottle to help purge the residue.

Not sure how to end this write-up because I had a suspicion that there wouldn’t be a grand epiphany. No real thought to leave you with. I just thought it would be entertaining and it was for the most part. I will say though that this is certifiably a terrible terrible terrible product and its unfortunate that it stores even carry the stuff. Just be cause you can, doesn’t mean you should.

 

Links:
Joose

 

ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com ericperrenoud.com